I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
