nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
