i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
