Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
