Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
