he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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