In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
