My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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