So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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