Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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