Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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