just come out here and I will go home with you...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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