Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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