I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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