In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize