she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
