I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
