Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
