My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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