i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
