You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
