I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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