yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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