i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize