I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize