I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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