she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Terrible idea I love it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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