tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
