my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
