Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize