Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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