it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
