dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
