So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
