I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
