everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
