I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
