My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
