I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
