I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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