when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
