the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
