I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
