the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
