I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
