how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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