My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
please don't ironically join a cult
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