I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize