My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
