OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
