Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
