Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
