You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
