At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize