I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
