you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
