Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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